Only Hot Fresh Funny Pictures and Jokes

The fisk knows its safe (IMG)

2006-06-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

1. Dont imagine you can change a man -...

2006-06-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

1. Dont imagine you can change a man - unless hes in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your mans mind wander - its too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor- a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women dont make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Whose Son is He?

2006-06-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.
''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.
''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it ta...

2006-06-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder

Pigtail crash helmet (IMG)

2006-06-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Computer Gender

2006-06-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Give Me A Double

2006-06-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, �What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?�

So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.�

Never Trust a Woman

2006-06-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Q: Why can you never trust a woman?

A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

What dogs dream of (IMG)

2006-06-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store...

2006-06-30T04:00:00.000-07:00

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "Ive got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

There are times you should see a salesman (IMG)

2006-06-30T02:00:00.000-07:00

How to become president (IMG)

2006-06-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is consid...

2006-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis.
Explaining this unusual move, he said "we dont just need points now, we need snookers!"

A man desperate at Villas current situa...

2006-06-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

A man desperate at Villas current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.

On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders.
The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "its to avoid embarrassing your family.

A Childs Prayer

2006-06-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Redneck swimming pool (IMG)

2006-06-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?"...

2006-06-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner. "Sure... its three fifteen," he replied with a smile. "Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know, its the weirdest thing ... Ive been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

Blonde Suicide

2006-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. �How did this happen?� the doctor asked. �Well I was trying to commit suicide,� the blonde replied. �Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?� �No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, �I just paid $6,000 for these,� then I put it in my mouth and I thought, �I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.� So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, �this is going to make a loud noise,� so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.�

How to Mess With the IRS

2006-06-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of thegovernment to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)

--Always put staples in the right hand corner.Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from theenvelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

--Never arrange paperwork in the right order,or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way theyhave to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the leftside).

--Line the bottom of your envelope withElmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated openerdoesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

--If your very unfortunate and have to paytaxes use a two or three party check.

--On top of paying with a three party checkpay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter howsmall an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

--Write a little letter of appreciation. Anyletter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

--Write your letter on something misshapen andunconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope(even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differentlythan regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they takepriority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

--If you send 2 checks they'll have to stapleyour unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

--Always put extra paper clips on your forms.Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

--Sign your name in ink on every page. Anysignature has to verified and then date stamped.

NOTE: These are just a few of the fun andexciting things you can do with The Man. These methods are only recommended when you owemoney

Advancement opportunity:

2006-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Advancement opportunity:
Crap job.

Entry level:
Really crap job.

No experience necessary:
The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential:
Theres a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations:
Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,00:
The salary is $24,000 Jeans job!

Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
Will train:

Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
B.A. required, masters preferred:

Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.s salary Civil service:
This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women & minorities encouraged to apply:
White males need not waste the stamp.

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do &> rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills:
Telemarketing Secretary:

Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Dedicated:
Youre looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
Well pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable
Well take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary:
Well pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heav...

2006-06-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I dont know, my wife told me to stand here."

Brooms and Carrotsticks

2006-06-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''

Has Obi Wan got Milk ? (IMG)

2006-06-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

A very clever mouse (IMG)

2006-06-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

The male brain (IMG)

2006-06-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his...

2006-06-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one thats more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that.""This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.""Ill take it!"The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her,saying,"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, youd think for $500 theyd iron it"

Redneck Parkin Lot

2006-06-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

If you have no cars that are moblie, and 14 cars that aren't, then you might be a redneck.

More sex in marriage ! (IMG)

2006-06-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

A dog that thinks its a cat ! (IMG)

2006-06-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

An Austrian circus dwarf died recently w...

2006-06-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animals gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.

An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.

An India man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a tree has died. He fell out of it.

Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.

After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.

When 65-year-old Les Edwards shoveled some coal on to his living-room fire in January 1985, a sudden explosion rendered him deaf and blind. The mystery blast was traced to the accidental inclusion of a detonator in the coal mix. The National Coal Board admitted negligence.

An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.

Phreakers, or phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to Hello, you fat bastard

The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused, Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting himself. Demonstrating in court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and died 12 hours later. McGann, however, was acquitted.

Police in France are looking for a man who has been robbing banks dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles, he was asked by the manager Are you serious?, to which he replied No, I am an aubergine, and fired a shot. The man escaped with the cash leaving a real aubergine on the counter.

In April 1993, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade capture in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police had no trouble following him because he was wearing a pair of Light Gear trainers, with battery - powered lights that flash when the heel is pressed.

During a smash and grab on a Zurich jeweller in October 1980, a thief had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of rings. The police identified the finger from their fingerprint records and arrested the thief within a few hours.

When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from an empty house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas supply, then lit a match so that he could see. Although the house exploded, he continued with the job and even returned the next day, only to be arrested.

Even mice are sexist (IMG)

2006-06-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

How do you make a bandstand?

2006-06-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Q: How do you make a bandstand?

A: Take away the chairs

An illegal error (IMG)

2006-06-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

Immaculate Pop Hybrids

2006-06-28T02:00:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?

Nothing. Elton John prefers men.

DUCKS OR PLUCKS

2006-06-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little duck.
A: If you don't behave, I'm gonna quack you one.

Old ______ never die, they …

2006-06-27T22:00:00.001-07:00

Old ______ never die, they .....

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailers never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.
Old Usenetters never die, they just become unresponsive.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

When signs are taken too literally ! (IMG)

2006-06-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Womens Six Inch Friend

2006-06-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

What are six inches long and irresistable to women?

Dollar bills.

Gone Camping

2006-06-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend. The brunette brings food so they can eat, the red head brings water so they can drink and the blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.

Clinton bandana (IMG)

2006-06-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

Whats the difference between a dead rat...

2006-06-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

Whats the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.

Penguin and JFK, Jr.

2006-06-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both cute as hell and can't fly!

One day, Paul complained to his friend,...

2006-06-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

One day, Paul complained to his friend, "You know, my elbow is killing me. I guess I should see a doctor."

"Dont do that!" said his friend. "Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only $10 bucks."

Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer and deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.

The next day, Paul returned to drug store and poured the sample into the computer. Next, he deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

Your tap water is too hard... get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm... bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine... put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and they arent yours... get a lawyer. And, if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Yo mamas so fat... cops

2006-06-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yo mama is so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, �Hey, you guys break it up.�

Doctors Orders

2006-06-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

�He said you're going to die," she replied.

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only...

2006-06-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?

They turn it over.

Yo mamas so poor... drive-bys

2006-06-27T02:00:00.000-07:00

Yo mama is so poor she does a drive-by from the bus.

Anti taliban missile (IMG)

2006-06-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

List of Short Books

2006-06-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book

Men are like…

2006-06-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Men are like.....Floor Tiles
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years!

Want to rent one of these cars ? (IMG)

2006-06-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

THE INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

2006-06-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldnt be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manojs Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamys Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouks Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, Ive located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbus Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste Im eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnees Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Veras Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugashs Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a damn thing. Ive lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansrajs Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how hed have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: --------------(editors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Yo Mamas so stupid... glass

2006-06-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

Theyre Busy

2006-06-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"

"They're busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The police."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The firemen."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"

"Looking for me."

Three rugby fans were on their way to a...

2006-06-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All Black cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an asshole."

Gay dog (IMG)

2006-06-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Life of an egg. Good or bad?

2006-06-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

wudnt life b shit if u were an egg
u only get cracked once
u only get smashed once
and da only bird 2 sit on ur face is ur mum

Batman toilet paper (IMG)

2006-06-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

I look like this in the morning (IMG)

2006-06-26T02:00:00.000-07:00

A man staggers into an emergency room wi...

2006-06-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball......stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

New texas (IMG)

2006-06-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hail to the Moron

2006-06-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's finally come out why George W. is pushing childhood literacy.

He wants America's children to be better off than he is.

Microsofter (IMG)

2006-06-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

A computer for women ! (IMG)

2006-06-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

A new Microsoft keyboard (IMG)

2006-06-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

Amish Woman Driver

2006-06-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. �Ma'am,� said the cop, �I'm not going to ticket you, butI do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.�

�Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,� responded the Amish lady.

�That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!� instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

�Well, dear, what exactly did he say?� asked Jacob.

�He said the reflector is broken,� replied the lady.

�I can fix that in two minutes. What else?� wondered Jacob.

�I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake,� said the lady.

cucumber, pickle, and a penis

2006-06-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

One day there is a cucumber, pickle, and a penis talking about how their lives suck.

So the cucumber says, "I get taken out of my home, chopped up, and tossed on a salad. So my life sucks the most."

The pickle says, "No way, I get taken out of my home, saut�ed, and stuck in a jar with juice that smells horrible. My life is by far the most"

So the penis, waiting patiently for them to finish says, "You two think your life is so bad. HA! I get a turban wrapped around my head, put into a wet blackhole, and shoved against a wall until I vomit."

WINDERS 98

2006-06-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding thecommands.

The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with abackground picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shippedwith a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of an error message you geta winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does notrecognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive towinders 98:

tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n' truck
Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it mayhave caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoftfor a replacement version.

The worlds smallest coastguard (IMG)

2006-06-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

A Horoscope For The Workplace

2006-06-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

PROOF: Santa Claus Does NOT Exist

2006-06-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ''flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

Questions

2006-06-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it was feeling crummy

what black and white and red all over?
a sunburned panda bear

what do you get when you cross a necklace with fruit?
a food chain

Sadie lost her husband almost four years...

2006-06-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didnt know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,> but down there I am still in mourning." He knows hes not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "Whats with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "Im going to offer my condolences."

Two hunters are stalking through the for...

2006-06-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump.
"Well, go in the bushes.
What should I use to wipe my ass?
Use a dollar bill.
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands.
What happened? asks his friend.
I didnt have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters.

You Silly Blonde. Dont You Get It?

2006-06-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

Does heaven need internet access ? (IMG)

2006-06-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

Exercises to Prepare For Your Mammogram…

2006-06-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Exercises to Prepare For Your Mammogram

---------------------------------------------------
Exercise #1:
Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends, and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

Exercise #2:
Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breasts into the machine and start cranking. Repeat only twice daily.

Exercise #3:
[ADVANCED] Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family vehicle. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the vehicle into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side. (Only one per day needed for Exercise #3)

Not addicted to computers ... honest (IMG)

2006-06-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Heaven is when you have:

2006-06-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Heaven is when you have:
a.. A British salary;
b.. An American home;
c.. Chinese food;
d.. A German car; and
e.. A South African wife

Hell is when you have:
a.. An American car;
b.. A British wife;
c.. A Chinese home;
d.. German food; and
e.. A South African salary.....

yo mama is so fat

2006-06-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

yo mama is so fat it takes a bus and two trains to get on her good side!!

A man answers the phone and has the foll...

2006-06-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, Ive had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

You were perfectly right.

You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!

Brains

2006-06-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.

''How much is this one?'' he asked. ''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' he explained.

''How much is that one?'' he asked ''Well that one is a female brain and its $100.'' he explained.

''And how much is that one?'' he asked. ''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' he explained.

''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked. ''Well it has hardly been used!''

The day the office pool won the lottery (IMG)

2006-06-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and ta...

2006-06-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

A dog on holiday (IMG)

2006-06-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

When a man died his wife put the usual o...

2006-06-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

When a man died his wife put the usual obituary notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the newspapers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly to the widow. You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea, said the friend.

The widow replied that she nursed him day and night and of course she knew he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better to have him remembered as a great lover rather than the big shit that he always was.

Talented dog ! (IMG)

2006-06-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hillbillies

2006-06-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin the bull.
1st Hillbilly "My wife sure is stupid...she bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly "We aint got no electricity!"
2nd Hillbilly "Thats nothin! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin machines!"
1st Hillbilly "Why is that stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly "Cause we aint got no plummin!"
3rd Hillbilly "That aint nothin! My wife is dumber that both yer wifes put together!...
I was going through her purse the other day lookin for some change, and found 6 condoms in there."
1st & 2nd Hillbillies "Well, whats so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly "She aint got no pecker!"

Those Intellectually Deficient Blondes

2006-06-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

Clever turkeys at thanksgiving (IMG)

2006-06-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

Your momma is so fat

2006-06-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Your momma is so fat that when she went to the moon she created a solar eclipse.

Windows isnt for idiots ..... no, really ! (IMG)

2006-06-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Exitting Windows (IMG)

2006-06-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

The Statues

2006-06-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, �Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.� And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, �You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?�
The male statue looked at the female and asked, �Do you want to do it again?� Smiling, the female statue said, �Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head.�

Laughing Blonde

2006-06-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?

Tell her a joke on Friday.

Friends in tennesse (IMG)

2006-06-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

3 men are in a sauna suddenly there is a...

2006-06-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

3 men are in a sauna suddenly there is a beeping noise the 1st man presses on his wrist and the noise goes away. he explains saying he has a built in pager.

A phone rings, the 2nd man puts his arm near his ear and starts talking eventually he pushes on his arm and stays quiet.

The 3rd man feeling low tech walks out of the sauna and returns a while later with toilet paper dangling down from his ass.

When the other 2 are puzzled and ask what hes doing he replies, " I received a fax"

You Filthy Fing Parrot

2006-06-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

Three guys were on top of a cliff. On...

2006-06-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Three guys were on top of a cliff. One of them scrapes his shoe against something, wich turns out to be a magic lamp! The genie pops out and says. "Since there are three of you, ill give you each one wish. Run off the cliff and shout out what you wish for, then you will land in it when you fall at the bottom."
The first guy runs up and jumps, shouting out, "A million bucks! Cash!"
He falls the 100 feet and lands without harm into a pile of $1000000 cash. He picks it up and goes away.
Then next guy runs up, jumps and says, "A brand new porsh"
He falls, lands in a porsh and drives away.
The third guy runs up, trips on a rock, starts to fall and shouts, "OH SHIT!"

Christmas Carol Parrot

2006-06-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

''It's beautiful!'' cried the man, ''Does he do any tricks?''

''Yes he does,'' answered the salesman. ''If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'''

''Amazing!'' exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

''Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know know any tricks?'' asked the wife. The man smiled and said, ''Watch this.'' Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

''That's incredible! Does he do anything else?'' the wife asked.

''I don't know, lets see.'' replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

''Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...''